I feel awful for a lot of the things that I said last night. Some of it was just coming from within the anger that is just buried way deep down in me… You didn’t deserve the worst of what I said but some of it was true.. I’m going to apologize because ya didn’t deserve that last part.. at all.. I have no idea I am the way I am when I seldomly do get angry… I became feral, wild, and savage. I snap and last night on a run I could feel everything churning deep down inside and I liked it… in the simplest terms, I go from being a Jedi Knight who begins to taste the dark side.. When they indulge and give into it, they like it… I’ll let ya know how it goes Tumblr, I’m still tired. Going to bed…
Now that we have wifi back, I am fighting the irrestible urge to text you right now. I’m not gonna let myself go and dive head first down the rabbit hole to the point where I just put myself in a lonely and depressed state. I’m doing my best so that I can get over this more but as for now, my heart is covered up and it’s on guard. I’m gonna do me and nobody is gonna tell me how to be. I had a funny and ironic thought today. If girls are so afraid of opening up only to get or fear being crushed by a guy, do they not see it the same way as a guy having the same problem? What about me? It took me awhile to open up to her but I gingerly took my heart out to give it to her and it got returned to me in pieces… Girls only se it one way.. My brother also made a very good point too. He said that me and him were alike and not alike. When it comes to girls, I dice in head first just to get burnt later but joe does the samething but where as I am drowning, he is treading.well for now, I’m down with women and I’m just gonna do me and have a good old time, but when I do start dating again, Im going to wait until I find a girl who sees it both ways and when that time comes, we will be eachothers strength and make eachother fly higher than anyone has ever thought possible. But until then, stay classy Tumblr.
My heart is in turmoil and I’m still trying to get past it. Going to see if I can go and see my pastor today to talk to him about it. He has been there for me numerous times before so hopefully he has some advice for me.
I am trying to leave you alone and by doing that, I unfollowed you, unfriended you and I just want you to be happy but at the same time I want to be happy with you… Gonna do my best to carry on for the next few days and see how I feel after that… Just remember what I said to ya, “I just want to be and I’ll always be your Hercules.”
Why is it that when I am comfortable or at peace with everything, I always somehow slip back into it just a little bit… Why can’t I get accept the fact that she doesn’t want anything to do with me but I want everything to do with her? Last night, when she was crying in my arms… what was she really crying about…. Was it the fact that she still loves me deep down or is it something else… Is it me imagining outcomes or what I want to believe or does she really not love me at all in anyway pertaining to our relationship… Is it sadness, sorrow, or the fact that she wants to be with me but doesn’t want to at all? I’m so lost within the whole situation and I don’t know what to do… She’s more than likely going to be dating someone who used to be a friend of mine and now, he told me that he wanted his happiness and that he was selfish and because of that, I was in the way and I was the one who got robbed of my happiness…. What kind of friend, who is no longer a friend, would do that to another? I understand having lingering feelings for people from the past and let me tell you they are strong… I don’t blame her but the fact that he stole her from me and that was it… My friendship didn’t matter to him as long as he had my girlfriend… I tried reaching out to him a million times and he just kept brushing me off and pushing me away…. I surely wouldn’t have done what he did in a million years and now they are already going to be hanging out this sunday… Her day was made by hearing his voice… Did I ever make her day? Did I ever make her feel extrodinary? I believe that she is gone for good but why do I keep wanting to believe in her? I have no idea… I’m currently in the process of defriending her on social sites, twitter, facebook, etc, but what else is there that I can do? Why is it that I care so much that it tortures me? I honestly have no answer whatsoever… I love her, I can’t have her, and I probably never will again even though the guy, I know who she loves, did what he did. Is there any advice? Can anyone offer me their opinion?